The good, the bad and the ugly

This last week has been, for the most part, a good week.

Work has been busy, but then it is always busy, and my work day seems to be one long string of Zoom calls. That’s OK, as I don’t always have to have the camera on but it does force me to stick to a good routine of showering and putting some make up on.  I think because we are working from home, we can fall foul to the ‘I’ll shower later, tomorrow, next week’ habit. I’m not going to because that’s just gross. I did a zoom call once without make up and colleague asked if I was ok as ‘you look really tired’. I laughed it off but I wasn’t really happy with the comment, so the video camera only goes on when I have a full face of make up otherwise it stays off!!! Ha!

I’ve been en pointe with my food choices and we are back to menu planning in advance as much as possible and watching our sweet treats still, though I will admit to have had a little too much sweet treats and wine on the weekend. Old habits would have me throw in the towel at this point, especially with the day I had Sunday, but yesterday I allowed myself to be hungover to shit and then I sorted my shit out.

Old Skool

I have swung my 20kg kettlebell 100 to 150 times a day everyday except for Sunday. I have even dug out my quad roller boots and have performed some much needed maintenance on them to start skating again. The country park car park near to my house is cordoned off, much like most places in Wales still, and it is the perfect surface for a little roller skating. So tomorrow I think I’ll venture out and see how much i remember, and how often I fall flat on my arse!

I also had my period this past week and my god I loathe having a uterus. Usually I would want to eat all the starchy, sweet stuff going but last week I seemed to have quite the handle on things. Yes I allowed myself to have more sweet treats than I had over the week prior but I’m not going to get into the habit of that becoming the norm again. Instead, we’ve reigned it back in and will be reigning it in further as this week goes on. Small wins are very much the order of business at the moment.

This bring me to Sunday. I woke up feeling more than a bit rotten about things. I think the cooped up nature of the lockdown really finally got to me. Remember I’m now in week 11 of working from home.  I hadn’t driven my car or left my village in 10 weeks. TEN WEEKS. I’m not surprised I was feeling cooped up.

In the morning, an hour post breakfast, I was going to do a Turbo Fire workout and 15 mins of kettlebell work, and had got as far as putting on a sports bra and a pair of knickers and then I promptly sat on the bed wondering what was the point? Why was I wasting effort on myself? Why was I bothering when I’m now just old and passed it, and all those horrible self doubting and negative thoughts that I thought I had gotten rid of. Oh hi Pandora, out of your box again you bitch? Yep, she truly was out, and out for blood. It took me the best part of an hour of just letting the tears flow, just telling myself over and over and over that these thoughts are just because I’m feeling sorry for myself because I cannot get in the car and go see friends, I can’t go hug my sister and fist bump my nephew, I can’t sit in a field with my favourite nerds and every interaction I have, other than with my husband, is digital. I am really missing getting annoyed at people in person….. 😉

Urban Decay Born to Run pallet is fun

So post this hour or so of genuinely having to urge myself to move, I allowed myself some care. Instead of a workout which would likely have made me feel worse for beating myself I up, I opted to shower and do some exfoliation and moisturising. Pampering isn’t for everyone but I find it really helps. I decided that playing with some make up and going for a really colourful look with the eyeshadow would help pep me up. I am really loving playing with make up at the moment. Every day is a different look and I am keeping Urban Decay afloat again. I have the Game of Thrones Pallet on order at the moment.

I’m also loving braiding my hair. I usually have no patience for my hair but I think the braids suit me. So they’re becoming a bit of a thing. Plus, as I braid my hair when it’s wet and then sleep with them in, I have amazingly floofy hair the next day. It’s a win win.


Once I had allowed myself this time, I got in my car ( that I hadn’t driven for 10 weeks) and went to the petrol station to check the tyre pressure etc. I went eh short way to my local Morrision’s so that I could let rip on the motorway for a short spell and my god the grin on my face as I did – AC/DC blasting from the stereo – it was the freedom I needed.  I actually love driving and I love the freedom it brings. I think what I was missing was just that, the freedom to go anywhere at anytime I want to. To be fair, it is not a huge thing to give up for a short period….unlike some senior government advisors and ministers, but I digress.

On the way back I went the long route, which takes me along the prom. I stopped the car in one of the parking bays, waited for the prom to clear long enough for me to step out to feel the sea ‘breeze’ (read: windy as fuck), on my face and breathe in that salt air. Then I dove back in the car  – I was literally 2 mins on the prom – and drove home. It was what I needed. What I failed to remember is that when I have days that are that difficult, and thankfully they are very few and far between, I tend to also go silly buggars on the wine and end up a lot more drunk than I intend to be because I don’t eat a proper meal either. I paid for it on Monday so, wholly self inflicted. Why I am telling you about this day that seems to be a right Debbie Downer? Because it is important that we do recognise even the strongest amongst us have truly shit days. I am grateful I do not have depression and to say I do does them a huge disservice. I am in awe of anyone who has this kind of blackness on a permanent basis and has to fight the black dog off way more than once in a blue moon. I had a shit day but I am out the other side and back to fighting my fight.

So on the weight front…well! I am expecting this week to have an increase due to the wine etc on the weekend but as of my last weigh in, which was Sunday, I am 197lbs.

That’s a lost of 7.8lbs in two weeks. So yeah the goal of 8lbs in a month has been smashed out of the park. And all I have done is cut out the shit and reduced my starchy carbs because I know they don’t work for me in high quantities. Knowing your own body and it’s reactions to foods is a huge help in sussing this minefield out.

So I am back under the 200s. I am 2lbs off being back under 14 stone. My skin is clearer (also regularly washing my make up brushes helps there), I’m sleeping better and meditations are still a daily occurrence.

Yep, it was an ugly day Sunday but that was one day in 14, so I’ll take that. We all have them, we all have days where we just can’t adult and those are they days we need to be as kind to ourselves as humanly possible. I’m glad I was….but I’ll skip the wine next time and just stick to water.

Here’s to keeping going and getting back to my fighting weight. I have costumes galore that I want to make and a whole wardrobe of gorgeous clothes in storage to break out when the fat has gone. And tomorrow, I will go up the car park and bust out a few moves on my quad skates. I might even share a little video…..maybe!

As always, be kind to yourselves, you rock

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