I have been trying to think of a way to open this blog post without it sounding attention seeking, whiny or self indulgent, and I apologise in advance as it’s going to be long.
I have failed but then I think that is because blogs are journals and they are from the biased viewpoint of the writer. So, I am sorry if this comes across as self indulgent and whiny but…..yeah!
When I began the original version of this blog, I made a promise that I would share the downs as well as the successes, that I would endeavour to make it as honest and open as I possibly could because it might help other people on their journey but mostly because we have a tendency to only ever share the very best of us. It’s not attention seeking to put your thoughts down, or share them, it’s part and parcel of life and it’s where we are at that given time. I think the reason we dislike sharing our thoughts and feeling is because it makes the reader uncomfortable. And so it should. Life is uncomfortable at times and ‘over sharing’ as some might call it is part of that. Society really has done a number on us as human beings, making us uncomfortable to conversations about emotions etc. But I digress…
After suffering a migraine, yesterday (it’s still there but just a dull ache more than anything today), and having journaled that I have woken up muggy headed and sluggish pretty much every Saturday morning, I have come to the conclusion that the allowance of the free-from pizza is actually a no no. I know that if I eat too much free-from product I will end up having an allergic reaction so I have minimised it to just my pizza on my jolly day but even that is now a no go. So I’m in the process of reassessing my jolly day options. This also means that I am going to be super picky at places I go to because I cannot risk another migraine – they hurt and wipe me out for days at a time. I think the only time I’ll allow myself to go off the rails on this is when at my hobby because it will just be easier than trying to explain it to those lovey folks who volunteer to do the catering task – and it’s a mammoth task.
That aside, I’m struggling a bit. Not depression, I don’t suffer from it thankfully, but lately I feel like I’ve lost the joy in a lot of things, perhaps it has been beaten out of me over the years but I have become quite brow beaten and negative, and that’s just not me. I know I’ve had a few stressful weeks at work and losing a close friend, as well as another person who was a great supporter of the old band, in the last few weeks…it hasn’t been the best of times but, yeah, it’s hard to find the light in anything at the moment and I’m not putting the required effort into me that I need to. I need to get a handful of fairy dust and sprinkle that shit everywhere!!
It does make me raise an eyebrow when people tell me they see me as positive, when I’m sat here being all ‘what the actual?’ with the world. I’m finding zero joy in creating anything, zero joy in movement…zero, nada, zilch. The most frustrating part of this is that I cannot seem to find the rope to pull myself out of this malaise and funk. I guess, I feel somewhat selfish for trying to spend my time on me. I know there are people who will read that last line and guffaw to themselves, thinking ‘really? you’re the most self centred person I know’… well you really do not know me very well and my entire life has been trying to live up to other people’s expectations and that HAS TO STOP. Those people who genuinely think I’m selfish should not be worth and are not worth my time and effort, and the fact they think that says a whole lot more about them than anything else. We all have a finite amount of energy and we should ensure that we spend a portion of it on ourselves first and foremost, otherwise we cannot be there to help and support those who need it. It is also not selfish to pick and choose who are those that we will support.
Keeping my energy to myself or sharing it only with a few folks doesn’t mean I don’t care. Actually I have a tendency to care far too much, hence why I’ve slowly gotten used to the idea of hoarding my time and energy for spending on myself. Those who have read this blog over the last 9/10 year will have seen me say this a few times. I have to keep repeating it because the more I write it down the more I start to truly believe it.
The biggest problem I have at the moment is apathy. I am apathetic, I physically feel I am incapable of doing what I need to do and I’m apathetic to figuring out how to turn that around. Am I just out of the habit? Probably but I feel like I have just hit STOP and there is no fuel in the tank to get going again. The small wave of motivation I had at the start of this 8 week period has ebbed and I am sat waiting for the next wave to follow and it isn’t happening. The tide is going out and I’m not on the crest surfing those waves and nor do I have the energy to swim my board out further.
I am stuck! I don’t know how to unstick myself and find that drive and hunger I had back in my 30s. Talking with a client at work last week, we waxed lyrical over the concept of ‘busy’ and ‘having time’.
There was a point in my life where I was working full time, studying for a Masters, hitting the gym for more hours than I care to admit, re-training to be a PT, studying Krav Maga and managing a band. I didn’t ‘have time’, I made time. Yet, the drive to make time for things now I’m in my 40s seems to have petered out. How did I do it when lately I can just about muster up the energy to get through a day of employment? I don’t get it. I did it before why can I not do it now? Gods this is frustrating. Is it that I simply do not want these things bad enough anymore? That’s just me shouting into the ether, purely a rhetorical question.
I do know that I have no choice but to figure this shit out and turn it on it’s head. That likely starts with super small steps and my applying a LOT less pressure on myself and to STOP feeling guilty about if I’m being there enough for people. So I’m going to start with my immediate environment and give my house a super deep clean picking one room a day on the weekends to get done and one or two rooms a week to look at clearing, sorting clutter and giving a super deep clean. We have started doing it on a few rooms but the whole house needs a little TLC. I started with the bathroom and my main bedroom, today, and it felt good to focus on cleansing a it were. I may have also dyed my hair at the same time, so that will make me feel a little brighter – it usually does!
I also thinking adding in 20 mins of mindful vocal practice in each day will help. I lack a schedule and I have to be more than a little selfish with my time to get me back to where I want to be.
So going forward, my goals for the next 4 weeks are simple:
1) Schedule in my vocal practice for every day first thing in the morning – sorry neighbours.
2) Schedule in not only my skating practice but also either some cardio or lifting everyday regardless (tailored to how my body is feeling – and to not bail just because I’m in a funk)
3) Continue reducing my reliance on chocolate.
That’s it. You’ll notice there’s no weightloss target there for this next 4 week period and that’s because the scale is not the be all and end all. The Tale of the Tape will show what I mean about that: talking of which – my stats for the 8 week mark.
The Tale of the Tape
|204.8lbs (14st 8.8lbs or 93kg)
|195.8lbs (13 stone 13.8lbs or 88.8kg)
So although I haven’t really lost a lot of weight I’m not that worried by it. The body fat measurement dropping by over half a percent this month and the measurements tell me that I’ve lost body fat and have likely increased a little muscle mass. And that’s absolutely spot on for what I want. I don’t want to be bogged down in the number on the scale….that’s not healthy. Also, the pictures tell me that changes are happening and everything is going in the right direction.
Now to just sort my schedule out and get myself back to being hungry to achieve the things I want to achieve. Perhaps I should start a ’50 things before I’m 50′ list?
I’ll let you know how I get on in this next 4 week period and as always, be kind to yourself, you rock!
Much love, Krissie x