The return….again……sheesh!

So it’s be quite some time since I’ve blogged about, well, anything really.

I have to admit, I have kind of shied away from writing since the studio closed and I went back into full time employment.

It has and hasn’t been tough, this lockdown. I am sat typing this while watching the assessment of the Prime Minister’s latest statement. I’m not going to argue spin on this blog – but jeez!
These last two weeks have been particularly tough. Mostly I have been frustrated at myself and need some room to breathe. Usually, when frustrated, I get in the car and drive to the seafront. The advice here in Wales is that we are NOT allowed to drive to a place to exercise, so I don’t. It still remains in place in Wales though we are allowed to exercise outside more than once a day now and England has been told slightly different advice today.

I’m digressing again…

I’m frustrated with myself because this ‘working from home business’ has meant that I should have been more disciplined and should have lost almost a stone (if not more), in weight. However, I am a stone heavier. I should have sorted the house out completely. I should have finished lyrics, I should have finished melodies, I should have finished the band website, I should have finished crochet projects, cosplays and sewing projects…. Should…should…should.

Oh what a word – should. It’s horrible. It’s that ‘you should be proud’ saying again. Should is a horrid word that needs to die a fiery death. What I could have done, is cut myself some fucking slack. Too much pressure, kid! Oh, I am not going to apologise for using profanities in my postings. They are cathartic and we all need something cathartic right now – this is mine. I have the vocabulary of a sailor but at least I enunciate like a fucking lady.

So instead of piling on a whole heap of pressure, I’m reducing things to small goals for the interim and every four weeks I’ll evaluate and reassess. I’ll also document where I am right now (it’s not pretty). I think I’ll start with five small goals. Some measurable,  some not so much.

Goal 1: Breathe before stressing: Meditation is back on the menu. I used to do this a lot and have gotten out of the habit. My aim is to do the following:
5 mins in the morning, post workout stretch
15 mins in the evening just before turning out the light to sleep.

Goal 2: Swings and get ups – aiming for everyday but will be happy to achieve 80% of that total. So regardless of time of day – 10 gets ups (5 each side) and 100 swings. The weight in this is meaningless. Form is everything. So out of 28 days I want to hit a minimum of 22 days.

Goal 3: Reduce chocolate to 3-4 times a week. At the moment I am having chocolate everyday and sometimes twice, three times a day. That is excessive and had kicked that habit previously. Time to kick it again.
It has become a crutch. And for those who would offer up the sound advice of switch to dark chocolate – I only eat dark chocolate….

Goal 4: Lose 8lbs (3.6kg) That’s 2lbs a week; sensible and achievable. Anything over that is a bonus in my book.

Goal 5: Reduce my dependency on social media and have at least one social media free day a week. I am fully aware of the irony that I will be using social media to share my blog again but it doesn’t mean I should be spending hours mindlessly scrolling when I could be using that time far more effectively.

So my current measurements; well this is more than a bit nerve-wracking. Since I closed the studio I have become the one thing I didn’t want to be again – fat! OK I am not as fat as I once was but right now that statement is not helpful, not at all. Please, do not tell me what I should or shouldn’t think about this  – fucking should again – this is my journey and my experience and your attempts at positivity aren’t helpful, unfortunately. If anything it is diminishing my experience, so please don’t. Just read what I’m sharing in a effort to understand where I am on MY journey. Thanks.

Oh I am not looking forward to facing this bit but I really do have to face it square on as I only have myself to blame for creeping back up to fatsville. As always, I am not going to sugar coat things for other people’s sensibilities. This is about me, not you! I have no issues being photographed in my undies at all, what I have issue with is how much body fat I am carrying that is detrimental to my health. So, here we go. 

Urgh. This is not where I want to be. Especially if you compare with this following picture taken April 2017 where I was 170lbs. 

That was the flattest my stomach had ever been and the least amount of body fat I’d had in a long time. Even at my smallest in 2013 I still had a belly pouch and was carry more body fat than was sensible – I was skinny fat which is just as bad as being obviously fat. Trust me on that one – qualified PT and nutritionist, remember.

Current stats:
Bust – 43inches (109cm)
Waist – 39.5in (100cm)
Hips – 46in (117cm)Thigh –27in (68cm)
Weight – 204.8lbs (14st 8.8lbs or 93kg)
Body fat (biometric impedance – so probably out by +5%) – 47%

While I was sorting these before stats, I was listening to Cher’s ‘Best Of’ from 1992. Did you know she was 46 when that album was released and so was 45/46 when she had the promo shots done for it? 

Look at her, hotty! Well, she’s my goal: to look as good as that at 46, only without the plastic surgery. And why the Dickens not? I’ve been failing myself and it’s time to pull myself up out of this hole, to do this for ME and not because people think I should look a certain way.

So yeah, that’s where I am at. ‘Fessing up to this is actually really hard for me. I’ve been here before and did this once and I swore I wouldn’t slip backwards but I have. That’s ok. For the first time in 44 years I am comfortable with my face, like properly comfortable. I am not everyone’s cup of tea in personality and looks and that’s totally fine but I’m good with me and that’s the important thing.

So, the blog returns because last time doing public accountability helped me no end. Here’s to new beginnings and here’s to the journey.

As always, be kind to yourself  – I think of late even I have forgotten to do this.

You rock,