She rears her ugly head again….and other musings.

I’ve been a bit quiet on here, forgive me. 

But Pandora got out of her box and it’s been a bit of a job to shut her up of late.  I had a moment of ‘oooh actually I’m doing really well, the band’s going great, I feel the happiest I’ve felt in AGES and life is good’.  Then I woke up one morning with a bit of a low feeling and it’s spiralled from there.

It’s horrible knowing fine well that it’s only you that makes you feel this low and rubbish and yet you’ll shout rant and rave about everyone else and how they are affecting you, when in reality they have no idea what they’v supposedly done to bruise your very fragile ego.  And you carry on listening to that voice that tells you ‘you’re not worthy’ and it snowballs. It’s so very frustrating and so very difficult to shut that annoying, whiney bitch up!

I had a phone call from someone who I love dearly this morning, and she cheered me up no end just by being a voice at the other end of the phone and we chatted about business stuffs and then chatted about inane everyday stuff and instantly the world was brighter.  Amazing how hearing someone’s voice can do that. Earlier in the week another of my nearest and dearest sent me a simple message that only this morning I thought ‘actually…yes’.  All it said was, ‘just remember how awesome you are’.  And we are all utterly awesome in our own unique way.  I think that when she, Pandora, rears her ugly head again and again, I lose sight of all the things that I’ve achieved and that are important to me.  So last night I put the little black number on and paraded around my heals to remind myself of that feeling I had in the changing room when I dropped another size.  Silly I know, but it worked a treat.

Little things like that are important.  This losing weight and being the best that you can be malarky is hard work.  It takes a lot of time and effort, both physically and mentally, and we often get so bogged down in the end goal that we lose sight of the little victories that we achieve along the way.  I’ve been very lax with weighing myself this past fortnight. I’ve hit the gym once in that time and I’ve used the excuse that ‘I’m too busy’ to keep up with my blogging, writing, and anything else really.  I’ve allowed myself to wallow in self pity again and I’ve beaten myself up over it.  In that wonderful moment of realisation that hindsight brings with it, I’ve not practiced my own advice and I’ve not been kind to myself at all.  But then, we are always our own worst critics.

So I’m getting back in the driving seat.  I’m writing a timetable for things I HAVE to get done, and putting in the the things I WANT to do inbetween each one so that the victories have joy in them.  Well what’s the point in making everything seem like a chore when in reality there is joy to be had in everything you do?  By adding in the fun bits around those things that are a necessity, I think they won’t seem so much of a burden and more of a shift in focus, letting the old grey matter concentrate on something else for a little while.

As part of this refocusing and getting back to it, I’ve signed up to do Shaun T’s Insanity Workout…. *GULP*.  If that doesn’t kick my butt back into shape then nothing will.  I need to let my stubborn streak take over again. Besides I have gigs at the end of the month and a night out with my dear Lindilou… I need to look my best 😉

I’ll be recording my efforts with the Insanity Workout here, and I’ll add in the before and after pics and might even do a video to show you how NUTS it really is.  I managed to get a legitimate copy from an Amazon seller for £45.  If it does what it claims to do I might even quit the gym and just do homebased workouts…..ooer!  that last thought is a little scary, thankfully my Personal Trainer does sessions away from the gym too.

So, yes.  Here we go again.  Time to rediscover my motivation, get organised and get myself back in the saddle as it were.  I’ve a list of blogs I want to write and that I have been researching so first on the timetable, an hour aside to get on with some writing, blog and music me thinks.

Anyhoo, be kind to yourself and have a corker of a weekend.