Dear Gods, I need to sort my shit out!

Or the, ‘How The Hell Did I End Up Back Here?’ blog I didn’t think I’d write

I know exactly how I have ended up back here but there is no point dwelling on the past, or is there? I actually think it’s important to look and assess the path to this point; to look into what was happening over the last few years and why I did nothing about those things I had control over, that I just seemed to stop doing.

So since I closed my studio and gone back to full time employment, I stopped caring… no that is the wrong word… I have cared but done nothing about the increasing scale number, the tightening clothes, the having to purchase more new clothing to actually leave the house looking semi-decent.

I have increased my weight by 44 lbs since 2017. It is now 2022 and, up until recently, I had done fuck all about it. In fact at one point it was 50lbs but I have managed to drop 6lbs somewhere over the last 6 months so I’ll take that.

I do have to give myself some slack. I mean, the menopause related clinical depression definitely didn’t help and neither did the two year long global pandemic. However, whereas a number of people took life by the horns and made it their bitch in 2020, I (along with quite a lot of others) spiralled into a dark place that just left us feeling lifeless and bimbling along trying to just keep our heads above water.

2021 was a year where I didn’t blog at all until I created this website. I completely lost sight of myself and I had no idea how to get back to being the new version of me, whatever that was. I would roll out of bed, straight to my work station and work, then slob on the sofa watching endless hours of TV, to then go to bed feeling awful having wasted my entire day doing nothing.

The struggle was very real. I, as always, put it down to just being a little low… yes I know. I eventually sought the help of my amazing therapist who instantly said ‘you have clinical depression, let’s try some medication’. And so my ‘Journeys into Sertraline’ began and what a difference that made. But you can read all about that when I’ve populated the blog posts in that section. It worked for me, I’m not saying it works for everyone and there is new evidence coming out, about depression and what are the contributing factors, all the time.

What next?

I started writing this entry at the tail end of 2021 and here we are end of July (I KNOW right!?) and it’s still not finished. I also have two other entries that I have written that just sit in draft, unsure if I will post them. I just don’t seem to be keeping track of time in any meaningful way again and I think I’ve hit a mental roadblock. The block is me, it always is. I get in my own way so so much that I often do not see the wood for the trees.

Now, before anyone says ‘you need to reach out for help’, I have – see above about seeking my therapist’s help with the clinical depression and also I have my go to people who I do ask for help. The thing is, I am not afraid to ask for help. I never have been. People perceive that I am because they see me as strong and so assume I fall into the category of not able to see when it’s time to ask. That shows you may not know me as well as you think. I don’t always make a big song and dance about everything, contrary to popular belief.

However, this last week or so, something has shifted. I’ve rejoined a gym that has a great selection of kettlebells and barbells, as well as a dance studio and punch bag and I have stopped eating as much in the way of free from simple carb products which does make a heck of a difference for me, personally. I’ve been into the gym with alarming regularity and I’ve already seen a drop of 2lbs on the scale so far (Monday’s will be my checkin day to see how things are going, and even then I will only record the weight once a month). The main thing for me, as I’ve mentioned before in these blogs, is body fat. I have a propensity to store fat like you wouldn’t believe, and while I know my scale is probably 3-5% over what my BF% actually is, it’s still WAY too high and I am classed as obese by the NHS. That does wonders for your self esteem as you can imagine. NOT!

So, in the interest of always being open and honest about such things in an effort to help others, here are the dreaded where I am currently at photos and I do not like them at all. Yes, I am vain. Yes, I want to drop bodyfat to feel good about myself. Yes, I am also holding onto a huge wardrobe of amazing clothes I want to fit back into and by Zeus I will fucking fit back into them, so help me Athena! But most of all I want to jump about a stage until I’m at least 90 and still be able (gods willing I will also be mentally capable of doing so), to wipe my own arse when 95.

I am currently at 202lbs (based on this morning’s weight) but I will be counting from the picture seen here at the end of the first 4 week period. It’s going to be interesting to see what happens as I have Bloodstock Open Air and in person D&D session between now and then but I feel like something has switched again. The last time I recall this switch going off was around 2011 and that’s when I really started to drop weight on my initial 93lb loss. And, while today I don’t feel 100% in the right headspace, my bag is packed ready for tomorrow morning for my next gym session. Considering how I have felt for the last 3/4 years, this is huge and I am grasping at it with both hands.

This week, it has actually felt like I need to be in the gym and I’ve been working on a simple but effective plan that will help me see good results fairly quickly. I always find that is a huge motivator for me. What I have been pleased with, is that I haven’t lost too much of my strength. I can still deadlift 60kgs for reps with ease (so I can go heavier but slowly slowly catchy monkey), I can still back squat 35-40kgs, I can still press over 30kg in a strict press and I can still swing a 24kg kettlebell with good form.

How often I am going to blog, remains to be seen but I will try to do a monthly check in.

In the meantime, I am cutting myself slack and finding the joy in things such as songwriting and singing again – I hate it when that wanes as that really does affect my mood something chronic and singing is such a huge part of who I am.

The secret to everything, is consistency and I am consistently inconsistent. So now I am scheduling my days a little more effectively to keep up my practice be it lifting, singing, songwriting or voice over. While I dislike being super structured, some structure is obviously a good thing.

So more next month in my check in and maybe there will be another blog in the interim, who knows?

As always, be kind to yourself, you rock!