So I’m going to try and do a weekly update with this blog…
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… (don’t hold me to it, as often life gets in the way and blogging is the furthest thing from my mind most days) but I wanted to do a short update this midweek as a few photos have surfaced and I want to address them.
I do a ridiculous hobby called LARP (Live Action Role Playing), where we dress up as big goddamn heroes or political wranglers, magicians, the list goes on, and play out a plot, ad-libbing to our wannabe Oscar nominated actor hearts are full to bursting. It’s great fun, it’s often (like the system I attend), set in a magical world and I have met some of my closest friends doing this wonderfully rubbish hobby.
Once such event, a smaller one by all accounts, was held in a manor hours in Staffordshire back in February.
I was so looking forward to this event that I made my simple viking a dress befitting the extravaganza that she was attending – this event’s runway was viking fantasy realness. I made the dress without nay real pattern, a hodge podge of two patterns and then hit and miss figuring out the corset for myself. As always, on the dress form the outfit looks stunning and I am incredibly proud of it. On me however……. yeah!
I am going to start this with stating that I took every compliment at face value and have not once thought anyone was paying lip service. I was very appreciative of the comments I got, including the very lovely comments from a professional seamstress friend whose opinion on these things means the absolute world. I have held those compliments close to my heart and I am grateful and humbled to have received them. Thank you. <3
Now on to how I see me. Remember, I have been 18 stone before, and I started this week at 14stone 8lbs. I have also been 11 stone 4 in recent years and my brain does a flip between seeing myself as fat when I’m not and more slender than I am. It’s exhausting!!!
So when the the dress was on the dress form everything was fine. It worked out pretty darn well. I still am very proud of it and the hard work that went into it. what I hadn’t realised is that I hadn’t changed the measurements on the form in about 6 weeks or so and well, you can do a lot of damage to your waist line in 6 weeks…..as I found out.
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Then I put it on at the event……and it was too late to do anything about it. It’s probably why I didn’t properly self test at home. I felt self conscious the entire night and only posed for pictures once I’d had a LOT of red wine to drink.
Huge thanks to Oliver Facey for capturing the outfit in such a glorious setting. And this is the picture I like the best out of all the photos in this outfit but I’m not happy with how I look and I’m seriously not happy with how far I have let myself go. The stupid thing is at the time, I thought I was actually controlling my brain and the negative self image I have. Ummmm, no. Turns out I was in that downward spiral of denial yet again.
Sheesh!
Other pictures have come out form the weekend and I look fat and old in them all. Again please don’t tell me otherwise, I’m not OK with where I am but I’m also not crying into a 400g bar of chocolate either.
I’d love this all the more if I was the same size I was April 2017. So I’ve set this bodice as a bit of a goal. Now it’ll be huge if I lose 45lbs. But it should be about right when I drop say 15-20lbs. And the dress it is based off, the pattern for that was released a few weeks ago (one has purchased it already of course), so I’l be remaking this with the actual pattern once I hit my happy weight which is….well I don’t quite know but it’s somewhere around 160lbs or 75kg. The reason I don’t know is because this is more about losing fat and building strength for me than the actual number but a ball park figure is good to have, as long as it doesn’t become all consuming.
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Here’s another picture from the event and yeah, I’ve lost my chin again or should that be I’ve adopted a few? I’ve lost all the lovely shape in my shoulders and well, I look like a hock joint in the middle tied ready for roasting. Yes I am over emphasising. No I am NOT being too hard on myself. Just for those who didn’t hear at the back, I AM NOT HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM. I am going to critique myself. I also look old and, considering I was asked for ID when purchasing wine on my 42nd birthday, I am not yet ready to lose the natural youthfulness in my face.
Wow this has turned into an essay. It was only going to be – hey I lost 4lbs already update. Yeah, so I’ve lost 4lbs since I weighed on Sunday. All I’ve done is cut the crap. That’s it. My normal meals are fairly healthy, all veg and protein. It’s not water weight either as I drink 2-4 litres of water a day habitually.
I have also lost 1.6% body fat. So yeah…… it’s been a good week so far. I know this will slow down and my weigh in on Sunday will likely be about the same as it is now or a bit higher (tomorrow is my treat day, Wine, pizza and chocolate tomorrow) but I’m happy with that and i’m not snacking as much as I have been.
Ah It appears I have a lightbulb moment again……can the lightbulb stay on this time? Of course it can, if I’m disciplined. vigilant and stubborn 😉 Anyway, mentally I’m in the best place I’ve been for a long time. I am hitting 100-150 kettlebell swings a day with the 20kg and, now the adult leg (IKEA cube shelving) has been put up in my study/workout room I have space again to jump about like an idiot. So Turbofire is back on the menu.
Oh and for those who asked – here’s the link to the old blog that started this whole thing off in 2010/2011 (I forgot the login details, hence the Mk 2 blog)
As always, be kind to yourself, you rock